Pies In The Military
by HoldOnToYourTunaCans
Summary: Just another day in the military. Evil schemes, paperwork, plots to become Fuhrer, paperwork, crazy bosses, paperwork, pies... The list goes on


Disclaimer: I do not own FMA. The only thing in this one shot that belongs to me is the randomness.

A/N: Ok, before you read this, I feel I must warn you: I wrote it between the hours of 1 and 3am. At any point, if you find yourself thinking 'WTF?' that's why.

Now that we've got that cleared up, on with the story!!

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OoOoOoOoOoO

Mustang walked down the hallway with a noticeable spring in his step. His smug expression seemed nicer than usual as he greeted everyone worth talking to in the office that morning. He even stopped to help the klutzy former librarian, Sheska, with some papers she'd dropped. He sighed as she stuttered her apologies. Yes, she was a klutz, but with that memory of hers she was very useful.

He walked into his office and immediately saw that he had people to deal with. Man this job was _not_ easy. After he'd received all his morning paperwork and shooed everybody away, along with the stuff he didn't want to think about, like the fact that he actually had to DO something, he opened a locked desk drawer and pulled out a small leather-bound book closed with a strap and a buckle. Opening it with a bent up paperclip to replace the key he's lost somewhere under his bed, he started to write.

'_Day 42. The plan is under way. The pie is baked, I'm at work, and she has no clue. Insert maniacal laughter here I-_'

Knock knock

'_will finish this entry later…_'

Closing the book and quickly slamming it into his drawer, he said, "Enter".

Maria Ross appeared from behind the door, saluted and said, "Sir, Full Metal is here."

"At ease Lieutenant. Bring Edward in." The undersized teenager came into view from behind her and sat down in a chair in front of Mustang's desk. "Well Ed, have you found out anything more about the Stone or have you been screwing around again?" Ed decided not to take part in whatever Mustang was implying. Honestly, he didn't have the energy. Last night had been the first time he'd actually slept in ages.

"Yeah, I've found a few things, but not much. Marcoh's work is actually really hard to decode." A few more minutes of conversation with the young alchemist and he too, had been waved out of Mustang's office. Once alone, Mustang looked around as if to make sure no one was watching him and began writing in the small volume again.

'_As I was saying, I feel I am coming closer to becoming Fuhrer. Not only am I highly respected, I also have great ideas, as you well know. Yes, and the list is growing! Now, on top of the tiny miniskirts, I have suggested an annual taco and cake day in the lunchroom, FOR NO ONE CAN RESIST __**TACOS AND CAKE**__!! And soon, when everyone has experienced Annual Taco And Cake Day, they will love me and I will sail through the ranks!! Yes, I The Almighty ROY MUSTANG! And then, when I am almost to the top and have gained almost complete control, I will put into practice -Dundundun- CASUAL TUESDAY! Where EVERY Tuesday you can-_'

Knock knock

'_Aw, c'mon! I was on a roll! I even had my power voice and everything._'

Knock knock

Well that had been a short-lived writing frenzy… "Enter," he said, once again hastily shoving the book back into the drawer.

"Sir, you need to look over these and give your approval." Goddammit, more paperwork. Was this a conspiracy or something? He gave an audible sigh and waved the secretary away distractedly.

Over an hour later, he still wasn't done. Ugh. Damn paperwork. He put his head down on the pile and closed his eyes. It was never over. He heard a creak and the distinct sound of boots on carpet. Looking up, he saw Riza and his heart skipped a beat. "Well hello Lieutenant," he said in his usual calm, smug voice. "What are you doing here?"

"I decided I'd better come check up on you and make sure you weren't sleeping on the job. …Or writing in your diary again." He blushed, at a loss for words.

"Hey, it's not a- Wait, what-? How-? But- Hey! That's not fair!" She couldn't help but notice how quickly his smugness had evaporated. On the inside she was laughing, but on the outside she wouldn't even allow her eyes to crack a smile. God, it was funny messing with him.

He looked at the clock sitting on his desk, wondering when lunch was. "Hey, when's lunch?"

"Twelve-fifteen, sir, like always." Damn. Nowhere near food time!

"Damn, I wanted to give you something."

"Again, sir?"

He gave a smug little smile as he thought of something to say. "What do you mean 'again'?"

"Sir, last time you said that, you ended up with a hole in your wall." He took a glance to his left at where the wall had to be filled in. How embarrassing. He'd be sure never to let _that_ happen again. "So what is it this time, sir?"

"Oh nothing, you'll just have to wait and see." Hawkeye looked completely uninterested, as if whatever it was could roast in hell for all she cared.

When she left Mustang drew out his little leather-bound volume again and wrote, '_Ha! I've got her totally hooked! She just can't wait to find out what it is! Hahahahahahaha!! And when I have successfully executed my plan, I will be one step closer to becoming Fuhrer, for I, Colonel Mustang, State Alchemist, will become __Almighty State Alchemist__ and one day rule the world with the entire military at my fingertips ready to do my bidding! Hahahahahahahahahahahaa!! Ha… Hmm, I should really work on that. I mean, I just feel like something's missing, like it's not quite powerful enough. Like it just doesn't quite __**get**__ there. I… I dunno. It seems like, maybe, I should add a 'Muahaha' on there… 'Bwahaha'? I dunno… Maybe some mood music to set the tone… Lightning bolts, now there's a thought…_'

OoOoOoOoO

Lunch! Finally! His plan could finally be activated! So exciting! Roy Mustang looked very bored and kinda tired as he sat alone at the lunch table eating whatever the hell it was the lunch staff decided to thaw that day. Little did he know it, but he was being watched.

Hughes peered at him from behind a pillar. He'd already finished the lunch he'd brought from home. Hey, he didn't trust the stuff that passed as food here and he had a wife and daughter. There was no way on God's good earth he was going to risk goin' out on 'em for some bad potatoes. He looked around for his next victim, not bothering to ponder at the despair he'd left behind. It was just too unbearable to gaze upon. After thoroughly scoping out the room for his new target, Hughes decided Roy was his best choice.

Poor, unsuspecting, bored Roy didn't even know his life was being targeted until he was under attack and beyond all help.

After lunch, Mustang trudged back to his office and once again took out the small brown tome. '_I feel… strange… as if I have narrowly escaped death. Oddly enough, I don't think it was the potatoes._' Just then, Hawkeye walked in without warning and Mustang hastily hid the journal.

"Writing in your diary again, sir?"

"I- No- I just- Oh c'mon! Will you stop with that?" Hawkeye raised and eyebrow. "Anyway, I have something to show you." Riza rolled her eyes but looked on as he pulled a large round object from a desk drawer. Suddenly a strong smell of apple filled the room.

"A pie, sir?"

He smirked and said, "Not just any pie. A pie with-" He took a small can of something out of the depths of his desk and set it next to the pie. "Soda." Hawkeye raised the other eyebrow this time. Wow. Her boss was either crazy or in love. Or both. Great.

"Why?"

" 'Why'? Because I felt like making a pie, that's why."

"Then why don't _you_ eat it?"

"Because I don't want it. I can always make another one."

"Sir, don't you think I can make my _own_ pie as well?"

"I- Um- Well- Hey, that's not the point!"

"Then what is, sir?"

"Aaaargh! Are ya gonna take it or not?"

Hawkeye glanced at her boss, then at the pie, then back to her boss. No choice. She walked forward, picked up the pie and, as she turned to leave, said, "You can keep the soda, sir. I don't like grape."

As she walked out he was stunned at her ability to say 'sir after every sentence and then run off with his pie. Why was she always so formal? It was a little unnerving.

'_Hahahahaha!! Operation PIE has commenced! And once she realizes what a great cook I am she'll be __**forced**__ to fall in love with me! And then I, THE GREAT __ROY MUSTANG, __**STATE ALCHEMIST**__ WILL BECOME __**FUHRER**__!! -lighting bolt flashes out of nowhere and background goes dark-__ Muahahahahahahahahahaha__!!_

_Hey, the added affects made it work!_'

OoOoOoOoO

Riza was walking down the hallway carrying her Syran-wrapped pie, sighing at it, thinking, '_Damn. I swear that guy is becoming more and more crazy every day. Baking pies… And what with that creepy diary of his-_' she shivered at the thought and kept walking. '_I swear, I think the stress is getting to him. I blame the paperwork. Poor guy._'

She sighed and took a seat in the office area in a row of chairs, placing the pie on the vacant spot next to her. Damn pie. This was just ridiculous. Why did he have to be in love with _her_? Why not Ed or something? But of course not. Even if he _was_ gay, Ed was far too young. Sixteen and twenty-eight? No. She sighed and looked at the pie again. Damn. What was she supposed to do now? Then she had an idea. Smiling to herself she got up and walked to the staff lounge room. Good, there were enough people in there to finish off the pie pretty quick. Looking around, she saw Kain Fuery, Heinmens Breda, Vato Falman, Jean Havoc, Sheska and for some odd reason, Al.

"Hey, who wants pie?" she asked holding it up. They all muttered something about how it looked good and sure why not, they'd try it. Eventually everybody got a piece accept for Al who refused due to the fact that he couldn't eat.

"Hey, thanks. This is really good," Fuery said.

"Yeah, it is. This is like the best pie I've had in a long time," Breda added.

"Hey, don't thank me. The Colonel made it," Hawkeye said as she took another bite. They all nearly choked on their pie.

"The Colonel?" Fuery asked.

"Yeah, I didn't know he cooked," said Falman.

"He lives alone. Of course he cooks," answered Havoc. Somehow, he still had his signature cigarette in his mouth.

"Yeah, but he doesn't seem the type," Breda commented.

Hawkeye sighed and announced, "Poor guy. I think the stress is finally getting to him. Have you guys noticed he's been acting weirder and weirder lately?"

"Actually, I have, come to think of it."

"Yeah, me too."

"Yeah, and he has that weird book he doesn't want anyone to know about."

"Oh, that thing is creepy. I saw it laying open on his desk one day and took a glance at it. Something about becoming Fuhrer and evil laughter."

Hawkeye put down her plate and fork and said, "I blame the paperwork." They all looked at her and thought about it. Yeah, it was true he'd been especially laden down with paperwork lately. No wonder he was going insane.

OoOoOoOoOoO

Mustang walked into his apartment rubbing his head. He was beginning to get a headache. Damn, it was hard scheming evil plots in his journal right under his staff's noses. He made his way to his kitchen and took a look in the fridge. Damn, that was a lot of pie. Why'd he make so many? He took a slice of a pumpkin one and piled some whipped cream on top of it then sat in his favorite chair to watch some T.V. Ok, no more giving pies to co-workers. Too much trouble.

OoOoOoOoO

Al was sitting on his bed in the room he shared with his older brother. "Hey Al. What's wrong?"

Al looked up at his brother who'd just entered the room and was now looking for something. "I miss pie," he said sadly.

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A/N: Well thanks for reading!


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